Homesick

What is this feeling, this odd, sinking, irrational feeling down in the bottom of my gut that just drags me down as the night moves on? It makes no sense. I can truly say that today was the best Christmas I've had so far. My friends and family were all here, and we had a great time yet, as the day wore on, something happened. I'm not quite sure. Nothing was wrong. I just felt wrong.

Jesus is supposed to give me peace, comfort and joy. More than I can ever know. And he does. But I am here on Earth while he resides in Heaven. We are not physically together. As long as I am here on Earth, I will feel earthly feelings. Like sadness and depression and confusion. Is it possible to be homesick for a place I've never been? How can I explain that this world is not my home? I know I am not the only one who longs for the day when I will be filled. To the brim. No more heavy breaths weighing me down. No more eyes squeezing with tears. I will not have pain to be ashamed of. I will be held. And my soul will not ache for Heaven, like it did today, because I will be with Him, Heaven in its truest sense.

Giving Season

I am tired.
Mentally, I am losing focus. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I like it.
I had ideas, I had plans, and my enthusiasm is still somewhere floating around, but not exactly in my palms.
Why does the world seem to enjoy disappointing? Ridicule seems to be its favorite game. And for people like me, it's easy to get pulled into the game, then lose. At least I tried, right?

But then, the world remembers not the losers of the game, but the winners. Yet, there's a trick and I can't figure it out. Is it me? or is it the system?

Whatever happened to the promises we made? It seemed so much easier when the hardest promise to keep was the one that involved you keeping quiet about Susy's crush on Jimmy. Then they became hard. They became life-changing and that's when character was truly revealed.

I promised to die, yet I am still alive, treading water. He promised me life, but I'm still reluctant to fully grab it. Why am I so obsessed with the forlorn life that I claim to enjoy? I long for a lot, I know where it is, I know how to attain it, and I'm working on it. Dying a little everyday, I am hoping to show someone else instead of this shell of a person.

Did we truly mean it when we said, "From now on, I live for You,"? Because if I were anyone on the outside, I would say no. And it hurts. Because I know that there are people out there who truly did mean it, and truly do live it. And I let them down. And that doesn't hurt half as much as it hurts to know that I let God down. We all did. And some of us are too blinded by pride to see it.
Some of us fail to realize that giving your life away means giving all of it. Not that one part, or giving up that one addiction or letting go if those friends. It means all of it.

Music=Manipulation

I am a manipulator. Truly. Why? Because I am a musician. I make sounds, noises with my voice and hands. It sounds nice and all but in reality, I am a manipulator. At least I hope to be.

The other day, I came home from school, sat down at the computer and somehow ended up watching a video on youtube of the largest aquarium tank in the world with a certain song playing in the background. The song really caught my attention and I found myself listening to it several times. It was nothing too extraordinary, a simply melody, simple chord progressions, yet somehow it just grabbed me. I felt sad, disappointed, yearning for something and hopeful all in one rush. The song haunted me. I was different for the rest of the day. I was changed.

I applaud the musicians who played this song. They did their job well. The job of musicians c is to convey feelings and emotion, to make the listener feel what they feel. These musicians, I never went through what they went through, yet i felt it. For those minutes, hours, they changed me, they moved me. They are the manipulators. That's their job. To make me feel a certain way, whether it is happy, sad, hopeful or confused, that is music.

My close friends tell me I sometimes get too emotional. Not as in cry cry emotional over things, but in the sense that I take things personally and make a big deal out of them and act by my emotions. Maybe it's because music is my passion.

It's a weird way to think about it, but I want to be that manipulator. I want to move you, to have you understand without words what I am saying.

When I sing in church or at a concert or whatever, its all nice and great to be told, "Oh you sang beautifully" and all that jazz. I like it. That there is the mind speaking, however. My tone, pitch, and dynamics were good. Great.
However, infinitely more precious than that is being told, " You made me cry" or "You've inspired me." At that point, I know that is the heart speaking. I know how they feel me because tears and hope, these we do not control, the heart does.

I know that I can speak for others at this point. Right there, I know I've done well. I changed someone, if only for the night, the hour, the precious minute. Right now in the world, that may be my only impact but I know it's there, the audience knows it's there and for a moment, the air is pure magic.

12/11/09

I Get It

Jesus once told a parable about the kingdom of heaven. A few actually but this one is a really short one. A man once found this awesome awesome treasure in a field. He was so excited about it that he put it back, sold everything he owned and bought the field and then took joy in his treasure. (Matthew 13:44) What I never understood was why this fella put it back and then went and bought the field. What happened to finders keepers? Was it someone else's field? Why sell everything he owned to buy that field if he only truly wants the treasure?
That always bugged me because I wanted the guy to just take the treasure and keep on living. Then i realized this the other day. The kingdom of heaven, the joy of Jesus is this treasure. Life with him is this treasure. It's this amazing, wonderful secret that once you've found, you do not want to lose. It is so precious that you are willing to give up your whole life for this secret treasure. That's the key. You give up your life and all your belongings for this treasure. You give up your life for Him. You cannot have the best of both worlds and live for yourself and God at the same time. Either we're with Him or against Him. The sad thing is that so many of us only get a glimpse of this treasure and want to hold onto it and all of our other stuff as well.
This treasure outweighs anything that we could ever own. You lose your life and gain His. It's such an awesome, unfair trade that only God could truly do. We give our messed up lives and gain his innocence. What grace.
I need the humility and faith to keep giving my life for Him. Keep my eyes on this treasure. For His glory, not mine. I get it now.

Open My Eyes

Isn't funny how we can do wrong with full consciousness of everything at that single moment?
How we can stare into the face of the right thing and simply say No?
Doing the right thing is hard, especially when the the wrong thing looks so attractive. Our eyes put up blinders to everything else and its all we see.
It's weird when you think about it. Knowing something is wrong, knowing it will turn out wrong, knowing it will hurt later, but doing it anyways. Knowing it's sin, but somehow thinking we can dodge God this time, just this time.
The wisdom of man is foolish. Our moral scars are there to prove that.
I just find it wild that we still fall into these traps after all of our bruises and cuts. We still love to get hurt. That's the honest truth.
We look for advice, we get advice, we look for the tricks and tips, but put us in the game of life and we're like dumb animals. We can't remember anything and run into walls.
I almost feel like having more wisdom wouldn't really help me something. Because I'll just throw it out at my convenience.
I was told a few times that I give good advice. Yet life would be so much easier if I just followed my own advice.
Right and wrong get confused only after I deliberately do the wrong thing.

We are odd creatures. Very odd. Shake a carrot in front of us and we'll go. Put up a pretty picture and we'll run into the wall. Shine something bright in a dark room and we'll follow it, ignoring everything else.
I hope we learn eventually to open our eyes.

Don't Ever Go To the Movies With Me

I'm Serious.
I can't remember the last time I walked out of a movie theatre just laughing with my friends. Even when its a comedy.
I think the last time was when I saw Hoodwinked. Now that was a GOOD movie. Watch it. its hilarious and really cute.
But really. I walk out of movie theatres silent. Always. something like that anyways. I think about it. Hard. Deeply?
Yes, i ruin the fun, cuz while everyone else is laughing about that one scene, i ponder about it. Stupid.
Dave's right. I relate every movie to my life. I know, that's really self-centered. but no. I can never leave it at the theatre. I can't. I think about it. Who does that anymore? Really.
Every movie has a message. I take it to heart. I think about what people are getting out of it and how it reflects the view of the public in certain ways.
Lately, I've been seeing situations from my life in movies. I don't know if that is good or bad. Probably bad. Most likely. But it's freaking me out here.
It's like seeing a mirror sometimes and going, "Ooooooooooooooooooooh!"
Maybe it's just me. It probably is.
But who knows. It doesn't even matter really.
Have you ever stared at the wall or something inanimate, and just thought about nothing? It's as if you're trying to think of something to *think* about, but you can't find the *thoughts* Does that make sense? You just have a feeling or vibe of some sort. Like you should be thinking about this one thing, but don't know how.
It's like trying to say something but not knowing what to say or how to say it... but in a mind process level (?)
Maybe if I think really hard, this weird feeling in my mind/gut will evolve in thoughts and maybe eventually words. That's what happens. It's pretty rare actually, but odd when it happens.
It's funny how movies can sneakily tuck a message into your head along with those laugh out loud scenes. They are clever, aren't they? Them movie-making folks.
Words are hard. If you really want to know what/how I feel, ask me to turn on a song that defines. I will ace that baby. In my head it will fit flawlessly. Though, to you, most likely, not so much.
I like honesty. It's nice. And what's honest is the fact that things will almost always not turn out the way you'd like/think it will go. Is that a double negative? Something of the sort.
I do enjoy the movies. I really do. But my two free tickets ran out so I will most likely not go to the theatre again until either
a) 5-6 months
b) my parents take me
c) i go on a date (coughnotlikely)

But please, share your thoughts. On either how you feel/felt after watching a certain movie, or a moment when words fell short or both. Or anything else. Please. I really am interested.

*by the way I usually write with a lot more intelligent language. I'm mostly smart. I promise.

Falling.

my heart hurts for you. it cries.
Cuz i know that yours does too.
I cry for you. you laugh.
this is simply what we do.
Your soul is a rose, your heart a rag,
but your voice rings in my head.
Cuz words of your hands are not the same
as words that you once said.
I grow up, while you grow down,
these are the facts of life.
but you wake up every single day,
with your back stabbed by a knife.
The demons you face are one of a kind,
they know not how to speak.
With evil eyes, then know
just when to hit you when you're weak.
You're almost on your feet again,
yet you get hit again.
You know this fight will never end,
until you say Amen.

I realized that this is half the Gospel right here.

I am like you. You are like me. We are like them. Saints, murderers, thieves, we are all the same. What kind of force can put us all in the same category? Surely, I am above the liar next to me or the burglar with the gun. How can we possibly be the same?

The strange thing is, we are. I am just as low, I am just as dirty, I am just as much worthy of death, as you are, as they are, as the world is.
But maybe if I try hard, maybe if I stop cursing, maybe if i stop lying, maybe if i don't do this anymore, I can rise above. but I know deep down that I will fail and fall on my knees like the rest of them.
You know what they say about those on their knees; it's the perfect position to pray.

Once our backs are tired from the burden, once the sweat on our brows pours, once our knees bleed to remind us where we are, its very easy to be the same. Because then we realize who we are. Naked, uncovered, poor, hurting. We realize that in some way or another, we truly are the same. This is the world. This is life.
It almost hurts to end a post this way, but so be it.

I just noticed.

A touch, a smell, a sound. How it can evoke a memory:
I remember doing my 8th grade musical every time I buy a certain brand of face cleanser. I almost well up with tears every time I hear Boston by Augustana because of the good memories it brings from music theory class during freshman year. Such strong memories and moments. Isn't is amazing how just one whiff of your mom's old recipe for a certain dish can release a memory of your grandmother that you hadn't thought about in years? Or how walking into a house that you hadn't been to in a while can suddenly make you remember every detail of each room, each piece of furniture and almost every big event in the house?

It's beautiful remembering something old that was tucked away in the back part of your mind. For me, it makes me appreciate each new moment because I know that someday I could remember that moment with the simplest reminder. It's a pleasant surprise and lets you embark on a mental journey through your mind, trying to suck out every memory from the one instance. Don't let those moments get away. Dwell on them. Keep them close to your heart. They will carry you through those empty times in life.

Wisdom?

Isn't funny how the Bible says in order to get wisdom, we simply ask, keep prayer and believe and we'll get it?
It's hard. Wisdom is a little hard to define these days. Is it simply knowing what to do when hard times come around? Or is it always knowing what is right? Then again, with today's society embracing relativism, that can't really apply in this case.
Webster says this, "the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action;"

Have you ever been in a situation in which the world seems to have every force possible against you? I have. Those moments and situation which have only losing outcomes. No matter how much heart, soul, sweat, and tears you put in, you lose. I hate hitting brick walls. It hurts. And it hurts even more when you begin looking at someone else and demand those same tears, that same sweat. Yet, in the end, you somehow come out dry. What happens?

You retrace your steps, your thought process and everything in between. You thought you were being wise. But how can you be wise in a lose-lose situation?

Perhaps the wisdom comes in handy when dealing with the loss. No one really likes a sore loser.
It takes great faith and courage to put up blinders to the world when you have a task at hand, knowing you probably won't see how you've helped. That's where people usually give up or simply don't bother. I've been finding myself in those types of situations lately. And it's a frustrating experience. Yet this wisdom I ask for tells me to go on, and let's me know that all will be well. I did my part. God will do his. I can only do what He asks me to do.

Wisdom. What do i know about wisdom. really.
I feel as if it's a word reserved for those much older. Because they've been through hardships I cannot even imagine.
Sometimes you're not always faced with a right/wrong situation. Disappoint crouches down, ready to pounce, and you know it. You feel it. I've definitely been there.

I constantly pray for wisdom to help me understand these dead end situations, and do the true right, whether people love or hate me, or both. Those moments I try to remember to look up and tell myself who I am truly working for, if I'd rather have people upset with me for righteousness , or the God of the universe upset with me for sin. Option one please.