Giving Season

I am tired.
Mentally, I am losing focus. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I like it.
I had ideas, I had plans, and my enthusiasm is still somewhere floating around, but not exactly in my palms.
Why does the world seem to enjoy disappointing? Ridicule seems to be its favorite game. And for people like me, it's easy to get pulled into the game, then lose. At least I tried, right?

But then, the world remembers not the losers of the game, but the winners. Yet, there's a trick and I can't figure it out. Is it me? or is it the system?

Whatever happened to the promises we made? It seemed so much easier when the hardest promise to keep was the one that involved you keeping quiet about Susy's crush on Jimmy. Then they became hard. They became life-changing and that's when character was truly revealed.

I promised to die, yet I am still alive, treading water. He promised me life, but I'm still reluctant to fully grab it. Why am I so obsessed with the forlorn life that I claim to enjoy? I long for a lot, I know where it is, I know how to attain it, and I'm working on it. Dying a little everyday, I am hoping to show someone else instead of this shell of a person.

Did we truly mean it when we said, "From now on, I live for You,"? Because if I were anyone on the outside, I would say no. And it hurts. Because I know that there are people out there who truly did mean it, and truly do live it. And I let them down. And that doesn't hurt half as much as it hurts to know that I let God down. We all did. And some of us are too blinded by pride to see it.
Some of us fail to realize that giving your life away means giving all of it. Not that one part, or giving up that one addiction or letting go if those friends. It means all of it.