Homesick

What is this feeling, this odd, sinking, irrational feeling down in the bottom of my gut that just drags me down as the night moves on? It makes no sense. I can truly say that today was the best Christmas I've had so far. My friends and family were all here, and we had a great time yet, as the day wore on, something happened. I'm not quite sure. Nothing was wrong. I just felt wrong.

Jesus is supposed to give me peace, comfort and joy. More than I can ever know. And he does. But I am here on Earth while he resides in Heaven. We are not physically together. As long as I am here on Earth, I will feel earthly feelings. Like sadness and depression and confusion. Is it possible to be homesick for a place I've never been? How can I explain that this world is not my home? I know I am not the only one who longs for the day when I will be filled. To the brim. No more heavy breaths weighing me down. No more eyes squeezing with tears. I will not have pain to be ashamed of. I will be held. And my soul will not ache for Heaven, like it did today, because I will be with Him, Heaven in its truest sense.

Giving Season

I am tired.
Mentally, I am losing focus. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I like it.
I had ideas, I had plans, and my enthusiasm is still somewhere floating around, but not exactly in my palms.
Why does the world seem to enjoy disappointing? Ridicule seems to be its favorite game. And for people like me, it's easy to get pulled into the game, then lose. At least I tried, right?

But then, the world remembers not the losers of the game, but the winners. Yet, there's a trick and I can't figure it out. Is it me? or is it the system?

Whatever happened to the promises we made? It seemed so much easier when the hardest promise to keep was the one that involved you keeping quiet about Susy's crush on Jimmy. Then they became hard. They became life-changing and that's when character was truly revealed.

I promised to die, yet I am still alive, treading water. He promised me life, but I'm still reluctant to fully grab it. Why am I so obsessed with the forlorn life that I claim to enjoy? I long for a lot, I know where it is, I know how to attain it, and I'm working on it. Dying a little everyday, I am hoping to show someone else instead of this shell of a person.

Did we truly mean it when we said, "From now on, I live for You,"? Because if I were anyone on the outside, I would say no. And it hurts. Because I know that there are people out there who truly did mean it, and truly do live it. And I let them down. And that doesn't hurt half as much as it hurts to know that I let God down. We all did. And some of us are too blinded by pride to see it.
Some of us fail to realize that giving your life away means giving all of it. Not that one part, or giving up that one addiction or letting go if those friends. It means all of it.

Music=Manipulation

I am a manipulator. Truly. Why? Because I am a musician. I make sounds, noises with my voice and hands. It sounds nice and all but in reality, I am a manipulator. At least I hope to be.

The other day, I came home from school, sat down at the computer and somehow ended up watching a video on youtube of the largest aquarium tank in the world with a certain song playing in the background. The song really caught my attention and I found myself listening to it several times. It was nothing too extraordinary, a simply melody, simple chord progressions, yet somehow it just grabbed me. I felt sad, disappointed, yearning for something and hopeful all in one rush. The song haunted me. I was different for the rest of the day. I was changed.

I applaud the musicians who played this song. They did their job well. The job of musicians c is to convey feelings and emotion, to make the listener feel what they feel. These musicians, I never went through what they went through, yet i felt it. For those minutes, hours, they changed me, they moved me. They are the manipulators. That's their job. To make me feel a certain way, whether it is happy, sad, hopeful or confused, that is music.

My close friends tell me I sometimes get too emotional. Not as in cry cry emotional over things, but in the sense that I take things personally and make a big deal out of them and act by my emotions. Maybe it's because music is my passion.

It's a weird way to think about it, but I want to be that manipulator. I want to move you, to have you understand without words what I am saying.

When I sing in church or at a concert or whatever, its all nice and great to be told, "Oh you sang beautifully" and all that jazz. I like it. That there is the mind speaking, however. My tone, pitch, and dynamics were good. Great.
However, infinitely more precious than that is being told, " You made me cry" or "You've inspired me." At that point, I know that is the heart speaking. I know how they feel me because tears and hope, these we do not control, the heart does.

I know that I can speak for others at this point. Right there, I know I've done well. I changed someone, if only for the night, the hour, the precious minute. Right now in the world, that may be my only impact but I know it's there, the audience knows it's there and for a moment, the air is pure magic.

12/11/09