"He's Got the Whole World In His Hands"

The school year's almost over now. And I'm thinking of how much I could have done. How many more people I could have met, become friends with. How many days I could have made so much better by simply thinking about someone else. Sometimes it seems like everyone around me is just what they seem. Sometimes I feel as if I can judge a person by the way they talk, dress, or from the several times I've encountered them. Then I act as if i have figured them out, and I'm at authority to judge. But by then I've convinced myself that it's not judging if you already know them. But then again, how many of them do I actually know, think about, care about? Not enough.

The world is not me and my friends. The world is huge. I think about that and things tip the scale the other way. I can't fix everyone's day by a simple hello. Maybe in some cases, but most of the time, that's all it is. A simple hello. But I can't fix everyone's world. I can help, but ultimately it's up to them and God.

I get impatient. Sometimes it's like, ok nothing's happening, what's the point, why?
But I need to realize that I'm not that major player in the equation. Can my control freakness stop for a moment to think about how its trying to do the job of the Master of the universe?

I'm not the answer.

I shouldn't act like I could be the answer, because I'm not. I do what I can, and let God be God.
I don't know how its ultimately going to work out, or why or when, but my mind has to accept the fact that sometimes I will not know. Ever. Trusting someone you can't see is hard, that's why it's called faith. Why?

Sometimes I think myself to tears. It's quite embarrassing actually, because by now, I should be done and over and comfortable with this kind of stuff. And I thought I was. I should think twice before I think I've even come close to figuring out God. I'm not saying I'm having huge doubts that are messing up my relationship with Him, that's not it. But I feel like every once in a while, when I get too comfortable with my life, my faith and my knowledge, God gives me a wake up call to remind me that it's not about me, that He's huge and I'm little. That I'm trying to put him down to my level of understanding. Like Jeanna says, I tried to "put Him in my pocket."
But that's not the case is it. "God does not fit in my pocket" I will never understand, and I must accept that. Again.

I can't save the world, or anyone's day simply by my own power. I must let God work. I need to learn to do what I can, and let Him do his job. It can be a little unsettling or it can be beautiful. Knowing that someone's got things under control is nice to know. That someone isn't me and it never will. I must trust Him again, and again, and more than ever. My knowledge alone won't take me very far, but His, well He knows everything so why even try to pretend.

I've never had a situation where I trusted God and it turned out worse in the end. Yet I'm still sometimes hesitant about trusting Him. It's like when you were a little kid and you would jump of the table and while you knew that your dad has never dropped you and never will, you're still a little scared.

I think I need to let go. The world isn't on my shoulders. And when I stop thinking that it is, "me" isn't the top thing on my mind. That's ironic, but it's a lot easier to help someone out when you're not thinking of how you need to fix their day, but you're just trying to love them and pray for them and ask God to help them, because ultimately my words can fail and I don't know everything. His are a lot better and he knows heck of a lot more. I need to trust that He does what's best. It may not look like it to me at first, but I'd much rather have Him control the situation than me. I need to trust Him and not my own knowledge, and let Him do His will.

Maybe I just need to let go and let God be God. He's a lot better at it than I am.

Revolution?

The other day, I happened to see one of my friends wearing some t-shirt, and I noticed that in huge letters it said, "Projekt Revolution". It looked interesting, so i had another look thinking it was promoting some kind of cause. It turned out to be a concert t-shirt. I kinda started thinking. A lot of things are a "revolution" nowadays, aren't they. Rebellion is the new default. Ours peers drink cuz its rebellion, they get tattoos, cuz its rebellion, they curse, have sex, and lie, cuz it's rebellion and its cool. It's revolution and we do it because we're young and that's our thing. Being in a situation like one of those, I see more and more it being the person who refuses that's being the rebel. This is probably an exaggeration and I know I barely make any sense. But I feel like true revolution is loosing its value. Now, wearing something weird is a revolution, buying/not buying is a revolution, listening to a new kind of music is revolution and so is living on the edge and refusing what old people say.
But strip it down and what is it truly?
Where's the true revolution, the movement, not the norm or typical?
The kind that listens, loves, stands.
The kind that blew peoples' minds in big and small ways, and left us thinking about it today.
Where's the revolution with a core that is harder to do than anything, yet can be subtle yet huge at the same time.

This doesn't really make much sense in words, it does in my head.
ha.

Lonely Nation

Hiding behind the ears or our ipods, we feel so together. Feeling like this music defines us, is us, we stop talking. We lost ability to speak and we just feel. We are rebellious youth, we push everything away. Lonely rebellious, hail our so-called liberty. We've pushed away our families for our friends, pushed away rules, breaking boundaries and expectations. We pushed away rules because we're way to cool and pushed away a God because of course, we know everything.
What are we looking for? We're never satisfied and it's never fair. Claiming we're never understood, we march. What is this quiet breakdown that cleverly eats us? We search in boyfriends, sex, music and tv, yet we cry that we're lonely.
Where do we find something that doesn't fail us? What are we looking for?

Things I Don't Understand

Things I Don’t Understand

Things I don't understand.

God.

Love.

Politics.

People.

Emotions.

Time.

Why I can never explain myself.

I'm so little and there is so much,

so much that my mind cannot even wrap around my own thoughts to create words that say what I feel. It's like taking speechless to a whole new level, one of reoccurrence.