Open My Eyes

Isn't funny how we can do wrong with full consciousness of everything at that single moment?
How we can stare into the face of the right thing and simply say No?
Doing the right thing is hard, especially when the the wrong thing looks so attractive. Our eyes put up blinders to everything else and its all we see.
It's weird when you think about it. Knowing something is wrong, knowing it will turn out wrong, knowing it will hurt later, but doing it anyways. Knowing it's sin, but somehow thinking we can dodge God this time, just this time.
The wisdom of man is foolish. Our moral scars are there to prove that.
I just find it wild that we still fall into these traps after all of our bruises and cuts. We still love to get hurt. That's the honest truth.
We look for advice, we get advice, we look for the tricks and tips, but put us in the game of life and we're like dumb animals. We can't remember anything and run into walls.
I almost feel like having more wisdom wouldn't really help me something. Because I'll just throw it out at my convenience.
I was told a few times that I give good advice. Yet life would be so much easier if I just followed my own advice.
Right and wrong get confused only after I deliberately do the wrong thing.

We are odd creatures. Very odd. Shake a carrot in front of us and we'll go. Put up a pretty picture and we'll run into the wall. Shine something bright in a dark room and we'll follow it, ignoring everything else.
I hope we learn eventually to open our eyes.

Don't Ever Go To the Movies With Me

I'm Serious.
I can't remember the last time I walked out of a movie theatre just laughing with my friends. Even when its a comedy.
I think the last time was when I saw Hoodwinked. Now that was a GOOD movie. Watch it. its hilarious and really cute.
But really. I walk out of movie theatres silent. Always. something like that anyways. I think about it. Hard. Deeply?
Yes, i ruin the fun, cuz while everyone else is laughing about that one scene, i ponder about it. Stupid.
Dave's right. I relate every movie to my life. I know, that's really self-centered. but no. I can never leave it at the theatre. I can't. I think about it. Who does that anymore? Really.
Every movie has a message. I take it to heart. I think about what people are getting out of it and how it reflects the view of the public in certain ways.
Lately, I've been seeing situations from my life in movies. I don't know if that is good or bad. Probably bad. Most likely. But it's freaking me out here.
It's like seeing a mirror sometimes and going, "Ooooooooooooooooooooh!"
Maybe it's just me. It probably is.
But who knows. It doesn't even matter really.
Have you ever stared at the wall or something inanimate, and just thought about nothing? It's as if you're trying to think of something to *think* about, but you can't find the *thoughts* Does that make sense? You just have a feeling or vibe of some sort. Like you should be thinking about this one thing, but don't know how.
It's like trying to say something but not knowing what to say or how to say it... but in a mind process level (?)
Maybe if I think really hard, this weird feeling in my mind/gut will evolve in thoughts and maybe eventually words. That's what happens. It's pretty rare actually, but odd when it happens.
It's funny how movies can sneakily tuck a message into your head along with those laugh out loud scenes. They are clever, aren't they? Them movie-making folks.
Words are hard. If you really want to know what/how I feel, ask me to turn on a song that defines. I will ace that baby. In my head it will fit flawlessly. Though, to you, most likely, not so much.
I like honesty. It's nice. And what's honest is the fact that things will almost always not turn out the way you'd like/think it will go. Is that a double negative? Something of the sort.
I do enjoy the movies. I really do. But my two free tickets ran out so I will most likely not go to the theatre again until either
a) 5-6 months
b) my parents take me
c) i go on a date (coughnotlikely)

But please, share your thoughts. On either how you feel/felt after watching a certain movie, or a moment when words fell short or both. Or anything else. Please. I really am interested.

*by the way I usually write with a lot more intelligent language. I'm mostly smart. I promise.

Falling.

my heart hurts for you. it cries.
Cuz i know that yours does too.
I cry for you. you laugh.
this is simply what we do.
Your soul is a rose, your heart a rag,
but your voice rings in my head.
Cuz words of your hands are not the same
as words that you once said.
I grow up, while you grow down,
these are the facts of life.
but you wake up every single day,
with your back stabbed by a knife.
The demons you face are one of a kind,
they know not how to speak.
With evil eyes, then know
just when to hit you when you're weak.
You're almost on your feet again,
yet you get hit again.
You know this fight will never end,
until you say Amen.

I realized that this is half the Gospel right here.

I am like you. You are like me. We are like them. Saints, murderers, thieves, we are all the same. What kind of force can put us all in the same category? Surely, I am above the liar next to me or the burglar with the gun. How can we possibly be the same?

The strange thing is, we are. I am just as low, I am just as dirty, I am just as much worthy of death, as you are, as they are, as the world is.
But maybe if I try hard, maybe if I stop cursing, maybe if i stop lying, maybe if i don't do this anymore, I can rise above. but I know deep down that I will fail and fall on my knees like the rest of them.
You know what they say about those on their knees; it's the perfect position to pray.

Once our backs are tired from the burden, once the sweat on our brows pours, once our knees bleed to remind us where we are, its very easy to be the same. Because then we realize who we are. Naked, uncovered, poor, hurting. We realize that in some way or another, we truly are the same. This is the world. This is life.
It almost hurts to end a post this way, but so be it.

I just noticed.

A touch, a smell, a sound. How it can evoke a memory:
I remember doing my 8th grade musical every time I buy a certain brand of face cleanser. I almost well up with tears every time I hear Boston by Augustana because of the good memories it brings from music theory class during freshman year. Such strong memories and moments. Isn't is amazing how just one whiff of your mom's old recipe for a certain dish can release a memory of your grandmother that you hadn't thought about in years? Or how walking into a house that you hadn't been to in a while can suddenly make you remember every detail of each room, each piece of furniture and almost every big event in the house?

It's beautiful remembering something old that was tucked away in the back part of your mind. For me, it makes me appreciate each new moment because I know that someday I could remember that moment with the simplest reminder. It's a pleasant surprise and lets you embark on a mental journey through your mind, trying to suck out every memory from the one instance. Don't let those moments get away. Dwell on them. Keep them close to your heart. They will carry you through those empty times in life.

Wisdom?

Isn't funny how the Bible says in order to get wisdom, we simply ask, keep prayer and believe and we'll get it?
It's hard. Wisdom is a little hard to define these days. Is it simply knowing what to do when hard times come around? Or is it always knowing what is right? Then again, with today's society embracing relativism, that can't really apply in this case.
Webster says this, "the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action;"

Have you ever been in a situation in which the world seems to have every force possible against you? I have. Those moments and situation which have only losing outcomes. No matter how much heart, soul, sweat, and tears you put in, you lose. I hate hitting brick walls. It hurts. And it hurts even more when you begin looking at someone else and demand those same tears, that same sweat. Yet, in the end, you somehow come out dry. What happens?

You retrace your steps, your thought process and everything in between. You thought you were being wise. But how can you be wise in a lose-lose situation?

Perhaps the wisdom comes in handy when dealing with the loss. No one really likes a sore loser.
It takes great faith and courage to put up blinders to the world when you have a task at hand, knowing you probably won't see how you've helped. That's where people usually give up or simply don't bother. I've been finding myself in those types of situations lately. And it's a frustrating experience. Yet this wisdom I ask for tells me to go on, and let's me know that all will be well. I did my part. God will do his. I can only do what He asks me to do.

Wisdom. What do i know about wisdom. really.
I feel as if it's a word reserved for those much older. Because they've been through hardships I cannot even imagine.
Sometimes you're not always faced with a right/wrong situation. Disappoint crouches down, ready to pounce, and you know it. You feel it. I've definitely been there.

I constantly pray for wisdom to help me understand these dead end situations, and do the true right, whether people love or hate me, or both. Those moments I try to remember to look up and tell myself who I am truly working for, if I'd rather have people upset with me for righteousness , or the God of the universe upset with me for sin. Option one please.

"He's Got the Whole World In His Hands"

The school year's almost over now. And I'm thinking of how much I could have done. How many more people I could have met, become friends with. How many days I could have made so much better by simply thinking about someone else. Sometimes it seems like everyone around me is just what they seem. Sometimes I feel as if I can judge a person by the way they talk, dress, or from the several times I've encountered them. Then I act as if i have figured them out, and I'm at authority to judge. But by then I've convinced myself that it's not judging if you already know them. But then again, how many of them do I actually know, think about, care about? Not enough.

The world is not me and my friends. The world is huge. I think about that and things tip the scale the other way. I can't fix everyone's day by a simple hello. Maybe in some cases, but most of the time, that's all it is. A simple hello. But I can't fix everyone's world. I can help, but ultimately it's up to them and God.

I get impatient. Sometimes it's like, ok nothing's happening, what's the point, why?
But I need to realize that I'm not that major player in the equation. Can my control freakness stop for a moment to think about how its trying to do the job of the Master of the universe?

I'm not the answer.

I shouldn't act like I could be the answer, because I'm not. I do what I can, and let God be God.
I don't know how its ultimately going to work out, or why or when, but my mind has to accept the fact that sometimes I will not know. Ever. Trusting someone you can't see is hard, that's why it's called faith. Why?

Sometimes I think myself to tears. It's quite embarrassing actually, because by now, I should be done and over and comfortable with this kind of stuff. And I thought I was. I should think twice before I think I've even come close to figuring out God. I'm not saying I'm having huge doubts that are messing up my relationship with Him, that's not it. But I feel like every once in a while, when I get too comfortable with my life, my faith and my knowledge, God gives me a wake up call to remind me that it's not about me, that He's huge and I'm little. That I'm trying to put him down to my level of understanding. Like Jeanna says, I tried to "put Him in my pocket."
But that's not the case is it. "God does not fit in my pocket" I will never understand, and I must accept that. Again.

I can't save the world, or anyone's day simply by my own power. I must let God work. I need to learn to do what I can, and let Him do his job. It can be a little unsettling or it can be beautiful. Knowing that someone's got things under control is nice to know. That someone isn't me and it never will. I must trust Him again, and again, and more than ever. My knowledge alone won't take me very far, but His, well He knows everything so why even try to pretend.

I've never had a situation where I trusted God and it turned out worse in the end. Yet I'm still sometimes hesitant about trusting Him. It's like when you were a little kid and you would jump of the table and while you knew that your dad has never dropped you and never will, you're still a little scared.

I think I need to let go. The world isn't on my shoulders. And when I stop thinking that it is, "me" isn't the top thing on my mind. That's ironic, but it's a lot easier to help someone out when you're not thinking of how you need to fix their day, but you're just trying to love them and pray for them and ask God to help them, because ultimately my words can fail and I don't know everything. His are a lot better and he knows heck of a lot more. I need to trust that He does what's best. It may not look like it to me at first, but I'd much rather have Him control the situation than me. I need to trust Him and not my own knowledge, and let Him do His will.

Maybe I just need to let go and let God be God. He's a lot better at it than I am.