Find Rest, My Soul

Something is stirring but I'm not sure what. It is a torn, longing discontentment. It is a desire to know the Lover of my soul, the Creator of the universe, God. It is realizing my wretched heart, my selfish wants, my mistakes. It is watching my arrogance showing itself behind the mask of hard work.
It is wanting to be with something so perfect but unattainable in this life. It is the shame that bleeds when simply looking at perfection. It is the feeling of being in a rut when trying to climb mountains. It is a whirlwind of self, pride, hope and desire.

My feet no longer fit the footprints in the ground of this Earth. My eyes no longer look down. My hands have a life of their own as they grasp for something I cannot see.
My mind contains fireworks of ideas, dreams, songs, with only myself clouding the light.
Who understands the complexity of my Saviour's logic? With Him on my side, who can hold down the wings He has given me? With Him, I am going somewhere. The schism of my soul will be mended and I will breath the freshest air.

Amen.

Indescribable

Recently, I was asked to define honor as part of a school assignment. I couldn't do it and left the question blank.

In 10th grade, I had to write a paper on What is Faith. It was the hardest thing I'd ever written up to that point.

I just spent the last three days mostly sitting in a chair around strangers on stage and singing old music, yet I had the time of my life.

It doesn't make sense.

I've found that things that are important to me, things that move me and that I consider sacred almost, are indescribable.

I could talk about God, but everything would be an understatement.

Beautiful doesn't even begin to describe the feeling that stirs inside of me when an amazing piece is sung.

I am speechless.

Loss of words. That says something.

Love is such an overused and abused word. Nowadays, it's just a feeling.

Love is real when you are left speechless.

I may not speak for other right now, but when I get going, I can talk for days.

Yet, I am silenced when I am asked sincerely how I feel, when I ask myself how I feel.

I tried writing in my diary today and ended up having a page blotted with words and phrases, some bolded, some underlined, and one full sentence. I gave up trying to explain, and just wrote down things that were floating in my head.

When I am inspired, I am speechless. I have no words for the stirring emotion in my chest.

When I am scared, I am speechless. My fears come in bursts like fireworks.

When I love something, I am speechless. My words fail.

Maybe that's where music comes in, where tears and blank stares, and hugs come in.

To help.

Some things are better left unspoken. To try to explain would simply further you from the truth.

I will never understand God.

Music will never be defined.

These feelings might never find words.

But I think this means something.

I am speechless for a reason.

It's indescribable.

Daisy Cover

My cover of Daisy by Jon Foreman
Comments? Likes? Dislikes? Do tell.

Homesick

What is this feeling, this odd, sinking, irrational feeling down in the bottom of my gut that just drags me down as the night moves on? It makes no sense. I can truly say that today was the best Christmas I've had so far. My friends and family were all here, and we had a great time yet, as the day wore on, something happened. I'm not quite sure. Nothing was wrong. I just felt wrong.

Jesus is supposed to give me peace, comfort and joy. More than I can ever know. And he does. But I am here on Earth while he resides in Heaven. We are not physically together. As long as I am here on Earth, I will feel earthly feelings. Like sadness and depression and confusion. Is it possible to be homesick for a place I've never been? How can I explain that this world is not my home? I know I am not the only one who longs for the day when I will be filled. To the brim. No more heavy breaths weighing me down. No more eyes squeezing with tears. I will not have pain to be ashamed of. I will be held. And my soul will not ache for Heaven, like it did today, because I will be with Him, Heaven in its truest sense.

Giving Season

I am tired.
Mentally, I am losing focus. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I like it.
I had ideas, I had plans, and my enthusiasm is still somewhere floating around, but not exactly in my palms.
Why does the world seem to enjoy disappointing? Ridicule seems to be its favorite game. And for people like me, it's easy to get pulled into the game, then lose. At least I tried, right?

But then, the world remembers not the losers of the game, but the winners. Yet, there's a trick and I can't figure it out. Is it me? or is it the system?

Whatever happened to the promises we made? It seemed so much easier when the hardest promise to keep was the one that involved you keeping quiet about Susy's crush on Jimmy. Then they became hard. They became life-changing and that's when character was truly revealed.

I promised to die, yet I am still alive, treading water. He promised me life, but I'm still reluctant to fully grab it. Why am I so obsessed with the forlorn life that I claim to enjoy? I long for a lot, I know where it is, I know how to attain it, and I'm working on it. Dying a little everyday, I am hoping to show someone else instead of this shell of a person.

Did we truly mean it when we said, "From now on, I live for You,"? Because if I were anyone on the outside, I would say no. And it hurts. Because I know that there are people out there who truly did mean it, and truly do live it. And I let them down. And that doesn't hurt half as much as it hurts to know that I let God down. We all did. And some of us are too blinded by pride to see it.
Some of us fail to realize that giving your life away means giving all of it. Not that one part, or giving up that one addiction or letting go if those friends. It means all of it.

Music=Manipulation

I am a manipulator. Truly. Why? Because I am a musician. I make sounds, noises with my voice and hands. It sounds nice and all but in reality, I am a manipulator. At least I hope to be.

The other day, I came home from school, sat down at the computer and somehow ended up watching a video on youtube of the largest aquarium tank in the world with a certain song playing in the background. The song really caught my attention and I found myself listening to it several times. It was nothing too extraordinary, a simply melody, simple chord progressions, yet somehow it just grabbed me. I felt sad, disappointed, yearning for something and hopeful all in one rush. The song haunted me. I was different for the rest of the day. I was changed.

I applaud the musicians who played this song. They did their job well. The job of musicians c is to convey feelings and emotion, to make the listener feel what they feel. These musicians, I never went through what they went through, yet i felt it. For those minutes, hours, they changed me, they moved me. They are the manipulators. That's their job. To make me feel a certain way, whether it is happy, sad, hopeful or confused, that is music.

My close friends tell me I sometimes get too emotional. Not as in cry cry emotional over things, but in the sense that I take things personally and make a big deal out of them and act by my emotions. Maybe it's because music is my passion.

It's a weird way to think about it, but I want to be that manipulator. I want to move you, to have you understand without words what I am saying.

When I sing in church or at a concert or whatever, its all nice and great to be told, "Oh you sang beautifully" and all that jazz. I like it. That there is the mind speaking, however. My tone, pitch, and dynamics were good. Great.
However, infinitely more precious than that is being told, " You made me cry" or "You've inspired me." At that point, I know that is the heart speaking. I know how they feel me because tears and hope, these we do not control, the heart does.

I know that I can speak for others at this point. Right there, I know I've done well. I changed someone, if only for the night, the hour, the precious minute. Right now in the world, that may be my only impact but I know it's there, the audience knows it's there and for a moment, the air is pure magic.

12/11/09

I Get It

Jesus once told a parable about the kingdom of heaven. A few actually but this one is a really short one. A man once found this awesome awesome treasure in a field. He was so excited about it that he put it back, sold everything he owned and bought the field and then took joy in his treasure. (Matthew 13:44) What I never understood was why this fella put it back and then went and bought the field. What happened to finders keepers? Was it someone else's field? Why sell everything he owned to buy that field if he only truly wants the treasure?
That always bugged me because I wanted the guy to just take the treasure and keep on living. Then i realized this the other day. The kingdom of heaven, the joy of Jesus is this treasure. Life with him is this treasure. It's this amazing, wonderful secret that once you've found, you do not want to lose. It is so precious that you are willing to give up your whole life for this secret treasure. That's the key. You give up your life and all your belongings for this treasure. You give up your life for Him. You cannot have the best of both worlds and live for yourself and God at the same time. Either we're with Him or against Him. The sad thing is that so many of us only get a glimpse of this treasure and want to hold onto it and all of our other stuff as well.
This treasure outweighs anything that we could ever own. You lose your life and gain His. It's such an awesome, unfair trade that only God could truly do. We give our messed up lives and gain his innocence. What grace.
I need the humility and faith to keep giving my life for Him. Keep my eyes on this treasure. For His glory, not mine. I get it now.